Thoughts on Dating an Older Man

Despite thinking that age was a dealbreaker, I went out with the 46 year old again last week.  Honestly, I had planned to tell him that I just wanted to be friends, but after a wonderful three hour conversation at an adorable little wine bar, I wasn't sure that I was ready to relegate him to the friend zone.

I realized that I've never actually dated someone older than me.  Recently, it seems like I've dated a string of men who are younger than me--and you all know how that has gone.  Make-up/break-up (who is finally out of the picture and out of my heart, thankfully), Saxophone Guy, etc, etc.  It's the entirety of my past dating life because none of these guys ever wanted to commit, and they all had insecurities.

But now, I've met the guy who is ready to commit.

Older Guy doesn't appear to play games.  He is not scared by honest discussion about the potential issues involving our relative ages.  He has laid out his cards on the table--he wants to get married, he wants to have kids, he wants to have it all.  He is not scared of my work.  He has stated to me that he wants to be with someone who has a brain, and finds it attractive that I have one.  He doesn't have the insecurities or fears that guys in their thirties have.  Older Guy's career is stabilized, his location is stabilized, and he is ready to meet and be with his life partner.

But now, despite being handed the entire package, I'm acting like a guy in his early thirties.

Is it the age difference that's really bothering me or am I just being a coward?  Am I really ready to move into a relationship that has commitment written all over it?  Am I ready to be committed?  Or am I still just a player?

Perhaps the very fact that I'm asking these questions says that I'm not ready.  For the first time in my life, I'm in a location where there's loads of single people to meet.  I'm going on a lot of first dates, and (though I don't like to think of it that way) playing the field.  There is definitely a small part of me that thinks...maybe someone with the same characteristics, but more age-appropriate, will come along.

But honestly, isn't that what most men in their early thirties are thinking also?  It's interesting, when I brought this gentleman up with the Brain Trust, they were equally divided.  Half said to go for it and half started thinking of guys they could set me up with because they felt dating Older Guy was ludicrous.  One of the guys in the "go for it" group felt that I wasn't going to find what I was looking for (commitment) in men my own age.

Interestingly, my family was also divided.  My sister felt that it was perfectly fine (which surprised me), but noted that there were lots of people in relationships with wide age gaps.  Furthermore, she went on to name three or four couples she knew of.

In a world in which even The New York Times does a feature story about how our generation is "delaying adulthood," is it possible that I may need to be with someone chronologically older in order to find a psychological equal?

After a lot of self-reflection over the past few days, I think ultimately, I can't permanently be with someone who is nearly a generation older than me.  I'm still on the fence about the commitment issue.  I feel like when I meet the right person, I will want to commit to them.  The fact that I'm on the fence may also be a clue that this isn't the right person.

So, the first dates continue...

The arranged date is coming up this week--I'll report back.

Here's the Times article:
"What is it About Twenty Somethings?"  New York Times, August 18, 2010:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=adulthood%20twenties&st=cse