I'm Going on a Diet

Okay, so the last few blog posts have been rants on various topics in "single gal news."
Here's an update on what's been going on in my little world:

I can't seem to get make-up/break-up out of my life.  Despite multiple firm attempts telling him to leave me alone, I am still being accosted with texts and phone calls on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, I actually fell for one of his pleas a couple weeks ago ("I only want to be with you.  I'm sorry.").  And at first, well, for a couple days, he was attentive and trying to be good boyfriend material, but quickly, things went south. 

This culminated in me telling him that he either needed to make a commitment or he needed to keep to his side of the Rockies.  He fumbled and futzed and I never got a straight answer.  So I was very emphatic with him this time that he needed to just leave me the hell alone.  It's been three months since I officially dumped him!

This led to multiple calls and texts begging forgiveness--he knew not what he did.  Interestingly, he called for a couple days, now it's texts.  Hopefully soon it will be nothing.  Amazing how quickly he has given up even though he "only wants to be with me." 

I'm trying to be strong.  I'm not answering anything.  As much as I want to, I know this guy is Mr. Big.  Cool, but self-focused and truly unavailable.  I know that the same cycle will occur again, I will get hurt and frustrated.  Alter-ego "crying lump of girl" will come out again.  I know I can't trust him anymore.

The scary thing is...there was a time he really wasn't like this.  I truly think he went through some kind of intern year meltdown and it has forever changed the kind, sweet, affectionate man I knew into...well, a stereotypical male surgeon. 

I was talking with one of my fellow SFS's who has a friend who recently dated a surgeon, and she had a similar situation.  He was cold...in bed and out.  He seemed to care only about himself and was unable to be truly affectionate.  I have had similar experiences in dating other male surgeons--I couldn't even get one to have totally casual sex!

So, I've decided to go on a diet.  A male surgeon diet.  Male surgeons are officially off the menu for now.  No matter how tasty, how tempting, I'm going to go try some health food. 

Bad Relationships Cause Poor Wound Healing? Yikes!

I just devoured the following article from The New York Times: "Is Marriage Good for Your Health?"

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html

This article summarized research by (ironically) a husband and wife research team Ronald Glaser and Jan Kiecolt-Glaser at Ohio State University.  Their research examines the impact that marriage has on the immune system, heart disease, and wound healing.

This is powerful stuff. 

For years, we have believed that being single, never married leads to poor health in the long run.  Certainly, compared to married couples, prior research has proven this time and again.  However, newer research conducted by the Glasers suggests that couples in unhappy marriages have poorer health and weakened immune systems compared to couples who are happily married.

One of my favorite studies quoted in this article actually subjected the married research subjects to a physical wound, had them fight, and then quantified the time to physical wound healing.  I won't spoil the results, but they are immensely compelling.  Heck, as a surgeon, maybe this is something we should be looking at in our patients!

I found it especially interesting that how couples fight has the biggest impact on overall health.  In particular, fights that are conducted in a hostile, cold manner cause a bigger decline in immune function than fights that are conducted with at least some sign of affection (and perhaps the intention of making a relationship stronger through the disagreement).  Not too surprising, fights about control had a bigger health impact on men than on women.

What I took away from this article...the positive health effects of a happy marriage are real, but be cautious about who you marry.  The health impacts may be enormous.

And divorce?  Not necessarily a bad idea for those in crappy marriages, but the Glasers' research suggests that divorce may have irrecoverable health detriments that even a second marriage can't fix.  Yikes.  Again, be careful who you marry.

I am looking forward to reading the Glasers' upcoming book about the topic: For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.

When I look back on my past relationships, in particular, most recently with make-up/break-up, I feel relieved that I didn't enter into a commitment.  I realize that marriage is never smooth sailing and that there will be fights and conflicts that require compromise.  I think it's key to find someone who wants the best for the relationship, has affection, and won't fight dirty.

David Brooks: I am Infuriated!

Has anyone else read this recent column in the New York Times by David Brooks?

"The Sandra Bullock Trade"
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/30/opinion/30brooks.html?src=me&ref=homepage

Ladies--I encourage you to check this out and join in the furor.

The basic premise of this op-ed piece (in my interpretation anyways) is that there is no way to find both professional happiness and personal happiness--there is always a trade-off between one and the other.  The infuriating Mr. Brooks goes on to postulate that actually, being married is the only thing that matters in a person's overall happiness.

B.S.

I feel like Mr. Brooks has been sharing notes with my ex-boyfriend!  Like I said in my first blog post, why are female surgeons "unhappy?"  It's because, for some reason, there is a sense in the general public that professional and personal success are mutually exclusive, at least for women.  That women who have professional ambitions, and are achieving them, will never be able to enjoy the same success in their personal lives.

Where I think Mr. Brooks is wrong is that ultimately, most people, men and women alike, are looking for a balance between meaningful, rewarding work and a stable, fulfilling home life.  It's not really an either/or choice.

I applaud Sandra Bullock for her Academy Award, and the premise that her work "drove away" her husband is ridiculous.  I sure as heck would rather be single and successful than be with someone who breaks me down.  Now that I have had some time and distance, I can finally see that in my own life.

Sandra's lying, cheating ex is such an idiot.  He can't be with a beautiful, smart, talented woman, and she obviously deserves better.

As all of us beautiful, smart, talented women do...we're here for you Sandra.