Oh Lighten Up, It's Just a Joke!

Recently, there was an incident in the OR. 

I was scrubbed in, doing a case that I twice a week, every week.  As usual, I had a scrub tech who, despite scrubbing with me many, many times over the past one year, still wants me to do the operation with only the instruments he feels are necessary, not the ones I actually use or need.

I mentioned that these problems could all be solved if they would just break down and give me my own pick list or case card.

His reply? 

"You can't have a card because you're a woman.  You women just change your minds all the time."

For just a second, I stopped, feeling totally offended and disgusted, nearly to the point of nausea.  Then, I just went on my way and continued with the operation.  After all, people say stuff like that to me all the time.  And it was just a joke, right?

A week later, I was scrubbed in with my (male) program director.  The same thing happened--his pick list was all wrong, nothing was ready.  It was like it was the first time the operation had ever been done in the history of the world.  It was like no one had ever seen a scalpel before.

While we were waiting for yet another instrument, I mentioned the prior week's incident to my program director.  He was totally offended for me, and told me to write the guy up for misogyny.

Sheepishly...I had never even thought about writing him up.  I was offended, but seriously, I could probably write up the majority of the hospital for that kind of crap.  I hear it all day long from my junior residents, nurses, scrub techs, secretaries, attendings.  And they all pass it off as a joke!  But the sad thing is...I do, too.  Behavior like that is inexcusable.  I wouldn't say stuff like that to a guy, why do they think it's appropriate to joke around with me?  That tech never in a million years would have said such a thing to my male boss or other male residents.  So why do I let him get away with that with me?

Ultimately, I wrote him up.  Mainly out of my own embarrassment for not standing up for myself right away.  I have to say, I'm a little nervous about seeing this guy, and I hope I don't ever have to scrub with him again.  I worry about backlash.

Work/Life "Balance"

At the VA, I have recently had a number of patients who have asked me why I'm not married.  If I may say so myself, I'm a reasonably attractive, successful 31 year old woman who likes to work out five days a week.  I have a great, stimulating job that, sure, keeps me at work late often, but I have many lovely friends, and fabulous parents and younger sister.  I'm a catch, right?

But still, this doesn't seem like enough for the general public.  Let's look at the new Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan.  She's not married and doesn't have kids.  She has a great high profile job as Solicitor General and has had faculty appointments at Ivy League law schools.  Same deal with Sonia Sotomayor. 

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this (see the link below)?  Why isn't it enough for a woman to be professionally successful?  And why does personal success have to be measured with a husband and kids?  And if a single male candidate was being considered, would this even be an issue?

The fact is, it is really hard for women to reach the highest echelons of professional success without making some sacrifices.  It seems like, for men in the same situation, there are suitable partners--women who are willing to stay home and take care of the household.  However, for women who attain a certain amount of success in their lives, having a partner like this may not be suitable. 

I know I want to be with someone who is, at the very least, at the same professional and intelligence level as I am.  But I worry that this pool of men actually doesn't want to be with women like me.  I think this is precisely why successful women are single--we are not willing to settle, and the men who meet our criteria aren't interested.

Also, in order to get to break the glass ceiling, we ladies have to work very, very hard.  And that means very, very long hours.  Which means barely enough time for us to maintain our current friendships and family relationships...let alone go out socializing and hunting for men.  I am on call every other weekend and five nights a week.  And the weekends I'm not on call, I spend studying, doing research, preparing for cases, and then running my household.  So the time I should be spending searching for a spouse, I spend on other things.

When I sat down with my advisor last month, he agreed.  The current system is not designed for women to have a life outside of medicine.  He encouraged me to do my best to find that work/life balance with the knowledge that it would be difficult.  I hope that maybe once out of residency and fellowship, I can find that.  However, as each year goes by, I think about the fact that maybe a family life won't be in the cards for me because I continue to seek higher professional achievements.  And that I somehow made this decision without even realizing it...by just letting the years of medical school and residency float by with hard work and long hours.

Check out the article on NY Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/16/fashion/16noticed.html?ref=fashion

In Limbo

I am super excited about moving to the Eastern Time Zone for my fellowship.

I am not excited about the process of moving.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't done this before.  Many, many times.  There was one year in college when I moved from my summer apartment, to the dorm, to...England (!), to the next summer apartment, to the apartment for the year.  Yeah.  Although there were so many incredible adventures during that year, there was also a lot of lugging around of stuff.  I had biceps like Arnold Schwartzenegger by the time I had "settled down."  Somehow, it all happened in the midst of final exams and final parties.

However, I remember the beautiful days of fourth year of med school.  With little to do academically, my time was spent chilling with friends, my fiance at the time, and preparing for the enormous task of moving two people (and their stuff) across the country.

This time though, it feels so much different for some reason.  Maybe it's because though each day brings me one day closer to being done with residency, each day also feels like business as usual.  There are no final parties, though I do feel like I'm studying for final (board) exams.  Maybe it's because instead of being really done with training, I'm just starting another phase of training.  Or maybe it's because I am actually looking forward to the end of residency.  The end of high school, college, and med school were bittersweet occasions that marked the end of a confluence of friends, hard work, and fun.  To me, the end of residency is like a sigh of relief at the end of a grueling marathon.

Simu-Date

It's been 2 weeks and counting since I told make-up/break-up to bugger off, and it's been 3 days since the "Great De-Friending."  I have heard from make-up/break-up once via text message since the GDF.  Randomly, he wanted to know when my sister's wedding was.  I have now hired a team of bodyguards to accompany me to the event.

Just kidding.

In seriousness (mostly), it was a gorgeous spring day in the Central Time Zone.  I spent all day operating, and as soon as I stepped out, I had a major bout of spring fever.  All I wanted to do was sit outdoors and enjoy a nice glass of Riesling at a local wine bar.

So I called up my neighbor whom I haven't seen in ages--namely because I have become a hermit recently due to the make-up/break-up fiasco.  My neighbor is an electrician, a few years younger than me, and has a body like Daniel Craig.  Though we don't have a lot in common, we do enjoy having a drink every now and then, and he's just a super nice guy.

We went to the wine bar, I got all dolled up because, let's face it, I don't get out much.  And usually the most creative part of my daily outfit is which pair of socks I'm going to wear with scrubs.  He picked me up, and I almost felt like I was going on a date!

We had a good time...but it was weird for me.  After being with make-up/break-up for nearly a year, and thinking that he was "The One," it was odd to think about being out with someone else, even on a not-date.  It was also just kind of depressing to think about getting back on the merry-go-round.  There was a time last year when I thought I had bought my last ride.

Regardless, new things always feel weird at first.  Whether it's a new surgical instrument, a new place, an new person, even a new outlook.  But eventually, I know I'll get over the weirdness and it'll just be...fun. 

Make-Up/Break-Up is Officially De-Friended on Facebook

Well, as part of the "male surgeon diet," I have recently cut out the equivalent of a chocolate brownie volcano.  Yesterday, I de-friended make-up/break-up on Facebook. 

The age-old question as to whether we could still be friends has been answered. 

We can't.

Not even on Facebook.

For the past two weeks, I have been receiving phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages from make-up/break-up even though I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to ever hear from him again.  I was at a board review course last week (er..."bored" review course), and every time, just when I thought I had my mind on the boards and not on him...Ding!  My iPhone would deliver a text message or a voicemail or a Facebook message.  And it was the typical stuff, he's so hurt by my behavior, he misses me, etc, etc.  But as always, I screwed up, not him, and no apology has ever been forthcoming.

I finally had enough.  I looked into blocking his phone calls (which costs a hefty $4.99 per month on AT&T--but you can block calls and texts from up to twenty people...yikes that's a lot of hating on people!).  I even looked into changing my cell phone number which I've had for nearly ten years, so it would be a major P.I.A.

But then I realized, maybe if I just de-friend him on Facebook, he'll get the picture.  Or he'll go into a rage and kill me.  But, eh?  Either way, problem solved, right?

So I de-friended him.  And he in turn has officially blocked me.  It's kind of sad in some ways--on Facebook, when you want to de-friend someone, it asks you if you're sure you want to "end the connection."  I have to say I hesitated...for just a split second...it seemed so drastic when put into those terms.  But I haven't heard from him since, and I am in so many ways relieved to be out of ambush territory.

I'm so sick of this being so much of my life right now--I can't even imagine how sick of hearing about this you all are! 

So enough of this--chocolate brownie volcano is officially off the menu.  Eating it just made me feel gross anyways.