Vulnerability

As a surgeon, the last word I would use to describe myself is "vulnerable." Surgeons are captains of a ship and have to have a certain measure of hubris and cajones to get the job done. Or at least, create a persona that has the appearance of impenetrability. We have all been in THAT case in which nothing goes right. Instead of dissolving into a fit of tears or anger, we must just take a deep breath and power on through the bleeding. The fits of tears are for the stairwell after we get the patient taken care of.

So why is it that when I am having problems with my make-up/break-up guy, I become a pathetic crying lump of girl? In matters of the bleeding heart...should we have cojones or Kleenex?

The make-up/break-up and I had a long, dramatic conversation about our relationship yet again on Friday. I was having second thoughts about having him in my life again. Back in October, we were talking about getting married. I even introduced him to my stringent parents...and I don't bring guys home to my parents unless I'm really serious about them. Make-up/break-up was only the second guy to visit my parents--the last one I was engaged to.

I had opened up my heart, life, and family to make-up/break-up with cautious optimism that I had finally met my life partner. I was trusting and therefore, vulnerable.

Now, after everything in the past few months, I am scared to make myself vulnerable with him again. Once the wall comes down, the hurt of disappointment is overwhelming. However, I don't think I can go through life being an "ice princess." It's just not my style.

I was talking with one of my dear friends last night who is a nurse. She and the boyfriend just celebrated their one year "anniversary." She is about to officially become divorced as well. As a divorcee, despite being in her mid-thirties and feeling the ticking biological clock, she is also nervous about being vulnerable in her relationship. The upshot of our conversation? I think it's summed up in that utterly hackneyed saying: dance like no one's watching, love like it's never gonna hurt. Yech.

Interestingly, in our conversation on Friday, make-up/break-up told me I needed to have more self-confidence and assertiveness on my end of the relationship. That the self-defeating attitude is detrimental to the relationship. Maybe I need to find a balance between the Kleenex and cojones.