A 50-50 Proposition

In clinic today, I met a patient who has been married for 61 years. Count 'em. Sixty one. I see a lot of male patients with cancer and they almost always come to see me accompanied by their wives. Since my patient population essentially comprises the 65 plus crowd, I always ask how long they've been married. Actually, most patients proudly volunteer the information when I ask who the "lovely lady" with them is.

My stock question for them at that point is...what is the secret? To a good marriage? A long marriage? A great relationship?

I hear a lot of different answers. My patient today told me it was a "50-50" proposition. Basically, she gave the orders and he carried them out. Guess it worked for them! But I'd say that probably over 75 percent of the answers I get are along the lines of there are ups and downs, but we worked hard and we got through them together.

I like this idea. I like the fact that these couples realize there is a reality to relationships. That it's not always fireworks and rainbows. That a relationship takes work.

My current make-up/break-up is scared about doing long-distance for three years. He's afraid we want different things in life. But perhaps what he doesn't realize is that despite how hard I know it's going to be, I really thought we were solid enough to do the hard work to get through the downtimes. I was willing to get through the downtimes to find the pot of gold--a great relationship.

After giving my patients a bad cancer diagnosis and treatment options with life-altering side effects, they often put on a brave face, crack jokes, and make a decision. But usually, as we walk out of the clinic room together, there is a moment of vulnerability. These big stoic guys reach for their wife's hand, and walk to the future with their partner who has been there through it all.