I'm not usually huge on "arranged dating," but my roommate and her friend decided to take on the disaster that is SingleFemaleSurgeon and set up a semi-blind date.
It felt kind of surreal actually. It seems like people don't really go on dates anymore--there's a lot of just random hanging out in groups of people and then hooking up. Certainly, this is how I've met my last couple boyfriends. I don't think I've actually been asked on a bona fide date in probably about two years--when I had a short stint doing online dating.
So, after some emailing back and forth, we set up a time to do coffee. We went to a cute, lively coffee shop populated by undergraduates studying music and picked out some...iced tea. He was an incredibly nice man with varied interests and the conversation flowed from both sides.
As an aside, isn't live conversation a dying art? Between the brevity of texting, the choppiness of online chatting, and the incomplete sentences of email, it seems like I do very little connecting face to face on a daily basis. It was refreshing.
He took me on a brief tour of his community garden, I introduced him to my take on beers with a visit to a great little liquor store. He walked me home and ended the date with a gentlemanly hug. Lovely.
It was such a pleasant evening. I'm not sure this guy is the right one for me, but at the very least, I think I made a new friend.
Frankly, I'm not sure that this gal is ready for anything serious at this point. Think I'm still tweaking the relationship with my single self.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Diet Violation
After months of planning and packing, I have finally made the move to Eastern Time Zone and am getting settled in the new surroundings. The car is out, new going out clothes, heels, and some very creative storage solutions are in. A new city, a new set of men to explore, and hopefully, a chance to find love.
I have a confession to make...
Against my better judgment, I violated the surgeon diet. I met an interesting, handsome, charming single surgeon. We spent all day together, laughed and talked endlessly, explored our new city, had a few drinks, and kissed. Perhaps I was a little too smug--he certainly seemed normal and things were going swimmingly.
Then, as so many prior male surgeons who have been part of this SingleFemaleSurgeon's life, he freaked out.
As expected, his excuses were plentiful:
Career, time, awkwardness in our small surgical field, etc, etc, etc.
The guy wouldn't even touch me the next morning. Wouldn't call/text back. He completely became distant and...weird!
Do we need to define a new pathological state here? I think so. What should we define as the signs/symptoms of disease?
-Male
-Surgeon
-Single
-Fear of intimacy
-Inability to date normally
-Only able to hook up
-Unable to interact with females
-Immature
Sound familiar? Let's call it the Single Male Surgeon Syndrome from here on. Anyone else have any signs and symptoms to add?
Perhaps I'm being overly harsh. Maybe I keep making the same mistakes over and over. Perhaps it's time to accept the fact that male surgeons just aren't my type?
Regardless, this guy needs to be left to his own devices. He clearly is unavailable and I am not into chasing unavailable men. There was a time in my life when I was into that, but now, I'm just too sleep-deprived to deal with all of the drama.
So adios, Freaked-Out Single Male Surgeon. Thanks for reminding me why I'm on this diet. You were like a dose of Antabuse.
I have a confession to make...
Against my better judgment, I violated the surgeon diet. I met an interesting, handsome, charming single surgeon. We spent all day together, laughed and talked endlessly, explored our new city, had a few drinks, and kissed. Perhaps I was a little too smug--he certainly seemed normal and things were going swimmingly.
Then, as so many prior male surgeons who have been part of this SingleFemaleSurgeon's life, he freaked out.
As expected, his excuses were plentiful:
Career, time, awkwardness in our small surgical field, etc, etc, etc.
The guy wouldn't even touch me the next morning. Wouldn't call/text back. He completely became distant and...weird!
Do we need to define a new pathological state here? I think so. What should we define as the signs/symptoms of disease?
-Male
-Surgeon
-Single
-Fear of intimacy
-Inability to date normally
-Only able to hook up
-Unable to interact with females
-Immature
Sound familiar? Let's call it the Single Male Surgeon Syndrome from here on. Anyone else have any signs and symptoms to add?
Perhaps I'm being overly harsh. Maybe I keep making the same mistakes over and over. Perhaps it's time to accept the fact that male surgeons just aren't my type?
Regardless, this guy needs to be left to his own devices. He clearly is unavailable and I am not into chasing unavailable men. There was a time in my life when I was into that, but now, I'm just too sleep-deprived to deal with all of the drama.
So adios, Freaked-Out Single Male Surgeon. Thanks for reminding me why I'm on this diet. You were like a dose of Antabuse.
Friday, July 2, 2010
July 1st...er 2nd Advice
Ah July 1st. A day of dread for many fresh new interns. I still remember my first official day as a doctor. I spent the entire day with a look of shock and dread on my face. Every time my pager went off, my heart rate and blood pressure went up. I was even afraid to prescribe Tylenol.
Many people will have many words of advice to you, and as a recently graduated chief resident, here are the SingleFemaleSurgeon's top ten tips for thriving during residency.
The underlying theme to remember here is that just because you're a resident, it doesn't mean that life stops.
1. Do one small thing that makes you feel human each day.
--Read a few pages of a (non-medical) book, work out, knit, water a plant, whatever.
2. Appreciate your family and friends and call them whenever possible.
--Maintain your support system. If you are lucky, your fellow residents may be helpful, however, they are still your coworkers.
3. Do one thing that makes you feel like a girl each day.
--I love Coco Chanel. Spritzing it on each morning made me feel chic, despite wearing scrubs.
4. Move your body.
--Work out as much as you can. Try not to gain weight. Yes, there is an intern year 15. Choose the healthy option. Your back will love you for this when you are standing for hours and hours.
5. Go away on vacation at least yearly.
--Explore the world. Get out of your normal environment and see something totally different. It brings perspective.
6. Get a hobby, if you already have one, continue to indulge in it when you have time.
--It just helps you relax and blow off steam.
7. Get your financial house in order.
--Save if you can, don't keep driving up credit card debt just because you know you're going to make more money later, read Women and Money by Suze Orman and follow the steps.
8. Don't talk about work when you're out with colleagues.
9. Find a female mentor, and be a mentor to another female.
--In my field there is quite a paucity of women faculty, but even a chief resident can be a mentor. Males just don't get it no matter how supportive they are.
10. Vent and then let it go.
--There just isn't enough time to stay mad.
Many people will have many words of advice to you, and as a recently graduated chief resident, here are the SingleFemaleSurgeon's top ten tips for thriving during residency.
The underlying theme to remember here is that just because you're a resident, it doesn't mean that life stops.
1. Do one small thing that makes you feel human each day.
--Read a few pages of a (non-medical) book, work out, knit, water a plant, whatever.
2. Appreciate your family and friends and call them whenever possible.
--Maintain your support system. If you are lucky, your fellow residents may be helpful, however, they are still your coworkers.
3. Do one thing that makes you feel like a girl each day.
--I love Coco Chanel. Spritzing it on each morning made me feel chic, despite wearing scrubs.
4. Move your body.
--Work out as much as you can. Try not to gain weight. Yes, there is an intern year 15. Choose the healthy option. Your back will love you for this when you are standing for hours and hours.
5. Go away on vacation at least yearly.
--Explore the world. Get out of your normal environment and see something totally different. It brings perspective.
6. Get a hobby, if you already have one, continue to indulge in it when you have time.
--It just helps you relax and blow off steam.
7. Get your financial house in order.
--Save if you can, don't keep driving up credit card debt just because you know you're going to make more money later, read Women and Money by Suze Orman and follow the steps.
8. Don't talk about work when you're out with colleagues.
9. Find a female mentor, and be a mentor to another female.
--In my field there is quite a paucity of women faculty, but even a chief resident can be a mentor. Males just don't get it no matter how supportive they are.
10. Vent and then let it go.
--There just isn't enough time to stay mad.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Oh Lighten Up, It's Just a Joke!
Recently, there was an incident in the OR.
I was scrubbed in, doing a case that I twice a week, every week. As usual, I had a scrub tech who, despite scrubbing with me many, many times over the past one year, still wants me to do the operation with only the instruments he feels are necessary, not the ones I actually use or need.
I mentioned that these problems could all be solved if they would just break down and give me my own pick list or case card.
His reply?
"You can't have a card because you're a woman. You women just change your minds all the time."
For just a second, I stopped, feeling totally offended and disgusted, nearly to the point of nausea. Then, I just went on my way and continued with the operation. After all, people say stuff like that to me all the time. And it was just a joke, right?
A week later, I was scrubbed in with my (male) program director. The same thing happened--his pick list was all wrong, nothing was ready. It was like it was the first time the operation had ever been done in the history of the world. It was like no one had ever seen a scalpel before.
While we were waiting for yet another instrument, I mentioned the prior week's incident to my program director. He was totally offended for me, and told me to write the guy up for misogyny.
Sheepishly...I had never even thought about writing him up. I was offended, but seriously, I could probably write up the majority of the hospital for that kind of crap. I hear it all day long from my junior residents, nurses, scrub techs, secretaries, attendings. And they all pass it off as a joke! But the sad thing is...I do, too. Behavior like that is inexcusable. I wouldn't say stuff like that to a guy, why do they think it's appropriate to joke around with me? That tech never in a million years would have said such a thing to my male boss or other male residents. So why do I let him get away with that with me?
Ultimately, I wrote him up. Mainly out of my own embarrassment for not standing up for myself right away. I have to say, I'm a little nervous about seeing this guy, and I hope I don't ever have to scrub with him again. I worry about backlash.
I was scrubbed in, doing a case that I twice a week, every week. As usual, I had a scrub tech who, despite scrubbing with me many, many times over the past one year, still wants me to do the operation with only the instruments he feels are necessary, not the ones I actually use or need.
I mentioned that these problems could all be solved if they would just break down and give me my own pick list or case card.
His reply?
"You can't have a card because you're a woman. You women just change your minds all the time."
For just a second, I stopped, feeling totally offended and disgusted, nearly to the point of nausea. Then, I just went on my way and continued with the operation. After all, people say stuff like that to me all the time. And it was just a joke, right?
A week later, I was scrubbed in with my (male) program director. The same thing happened--his pick list was all wrong, nothing was ready. It was like it was the first time the operation had ever been done in the history of the world. It was like no one had ever seen a scalpel before.
While we were waiting for yet another instrument, I mentioned the prior week's incident to my program director. He was totally offended for me, and told me to write the guy up for misogyny.
Sheepishly...I had never even thought about writing him up. I was offended, but seriously, I could probably write up the majority of the hospital for that kind of crap. I hear it all day long from my junior residents, nurses, scrub techs, secretaries, attendings. And they all pass it off as a joke! But the sad thing is...I do, too. Behavior like that is inexcusable. I wouldn't say stuff like that to a guy, why do they think it's appropriate to joke around with me? That tech never in a million years would have said such a thing to my male boss or other male residents. So why do I let him get away with that with me?
Ultimately, I wrote him up. Mainly out of my own embarrassment for not standing up for myself right away. I have to say, I'm a little nervous about seeing this guy, and I hope I don't ever have to scrub with him again. I worry about backlash.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Work/Life "Balance"
At the VA, I have recently had a number of patients who have asked me why I'm not married. If I may say so myself, I'm a reasonably attractive, successful 31 year old woman who likes to work out five days a week. I have a great, stimulating job that, sure, keeps me at work late often, but I have many lovely friends, and fabulous parents and younger sister. I'm a catch, right?
But still, this doesn't seem like enough for the general public. Let's look at the new Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan. She's not married and doesn't have kids. She has a great high profile job as Solicitor General and has had faculty appointments at Ivy League law schools. Same deal with Sonia Sotomayor.
Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this (see the link below)? Why isn't it enough for a woman to be professionally successful? And why does personal success have to be measured with a husband and kids? And if a single male candidate was being considered, would this even be an issue?
The fact is, it is really hard for women to reach the highest echelons of professional success without making some sacrifices. It seems like, for men in the same situation, there are suitable partners--women who are willing to stay home and take care of the household. However, for women who attain a certain amount of success in their lives, having a partner like this may not be suitable.
I know I want to be with someone who is, at the very least, at the same professional and intelligence level as I am. But I worry that this pool of men actually doesn't want to be with women like me. I think this is precisely why successful women are single--we are not willing to settle, and the men who meet our criteria aren't interested.
Also, in order to get to break the glass ceiling, we ladies have to work very, very hard. And that means very, very long hours. Which means barely enough time for us to maintain our current friendships and family relationships...let alone go out socializing and hunting for men. I am on call every other weekend and five nights a week. And the weekends I'm not on call, I spend studying, doing research, preparing for cases, and then running my household. So the time I should be spending searching for a spouse, I spend on other things.
When I sat down with my advisor last month, he agreed. The current system is not designed for women to have a life outside of medicine. He encouraged me to do my best to find that work/life balance with the knowledge that it would be difficult. I hope that maybe once out of residency and fellowship, I can find that. However, as each year goes by, I think about the fact that maybe a family life won't be in the cards for me because I continue to seek higher professional achievements. And that I somehow made this decision without even realizing it...by just letting the years of medical school and residency float by with hard work and long hours.
Check out the article on NY Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/16/fashion/16noticed.html?ref=fashion
But still, this doesn't seem like enough for the general public. Let's look at the new Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan. She's not married and doesn't have kids. She has a great high profile job as Solicitor General and has had faculty appointments at Ivy League law schools. Same deal with Sonia Sotomayor.
Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this (see the link below)? Why isn't it enough for a woman to be professionally successful? And why does personal success have to be measured with a husband and kids? And if a single male candidate was being considered, would this even be an issue?
The fact is, it is really hard for women to reach the highest echelons of professional success without making some sacrifices. It seems like, for men in the same situation, there are suitable partners--women who are willing to stay home and take care of the household. However, for women who attain a certain amount of success in their lives, having a partner like this may not be suitable.
I know I want to be with someone who is, at the very least, at the same professional and intelligence level as I am. But I worry that this pool of men actually doesn't want to be with women like me. I think this is precisely why successful women are single--we are not willing to settle, and the men who meet our criteria aren't interested.
Also, in order to get to break the glass ceiling, we ladies have to work very, very hard. And that means very, very long hours. Which means barely enough time for us to maintain our current friendships and family relationships...let alone go out socializing and hunting for men. I am on call every other weekend and five nights a week. And the weekends I'm not on call, I spend studying, doing research, preparing for cases, and then running my household. So the time I should be spending searching for a spouse, I spend on other things.
When I sat down with my advisor last month, he agreed. The current system is not designed for women to have a life outside of medicine. He encouraged me to do my best to find that work/life balance with the knowledge that it would be difficult. I hope that maybe once out of residency and fellowship, I can find that. However, as each year goes by, I think about the fact that maybe a family life won't be in the cards for me because I continue to seek higher professional achievements. And that I somehow made this decision without even realizing it...by just letting the years of medical school and residency float by with hard work and long hours.
Check out the article on NY Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/16/fashion/16noticed.html?ref=fashion
Sunday, May 9, 2010
In Limbo
I am super excited about moving to the Eastern Time Zone for my fellowship.
I am not excited about the process of moving.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't done this before. Many, many times. There was one year in college when I moved from my summer apartment, to the dorm, to...England (!), to the next summer apartment, to the apartment for the year. Yeah. Although there were so many incredible adventures during that year, there was also a lot of lugging around of stuff. I had biceps like Arnold Schwartzenegger by the time I had "settled down." Somehow, it all happened in the midst of final exams and final parties.
However, I remember the beautiful days of fourth year of med school. With little to do academically, my time was spent chilling with friends, my fiance at the time, and preparing for the enormous task of moving two people (and their stuff) across the country.
This time though, it feels so much different for some reason. Maybe it's because though each day brings me one day closer to being done with residency, each day also feels like business as usual. There are no final parties, though I do feel like I'm studying for final (board) exams. Maybe it's because instead of being really done with training, I'm just starting another phase of training. Or maybe it's because I am actually looking forward to the end of residency. The end of high school, college, and med school were bittersweet occasions that marked the end of a confluence of friends, hard work, and fun. To me, the end of residency is like a sigh of relief at the end of a grueling marathon.
I am not excited about the process of moving.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't done this before. Many, many times. There was one year in college when I moved from my summer apartment, to the dorm, to...England (!), to the next summer apartment, to the apartment for the year. Yeah. Although there were so many incredible adventures during that year, there was also a lot of lugging around of stuff. I had biceps like Arnold Schwartzenegger by the time I had "settled down." Somehow, it all happened in the midst of final exams and final parties.
However, I remember the beautiful days of fourth year of med school. With little to do academically, my time was spent chilling with friends, my fiance at the time, and preparing for the enormous task of moving two people (and their stuff) across the country.
This time though, it feels so much different for some reason. Maybe it's because though each day brings me one day closer to being done with residency, each day also feels like business as usual. There are no final parties, though I do feel like I'm studying for final (board) exams. Maybe it's because instead of being really done with training, I'm just starting another phase of training. Or maybe it's because I am actually looking forward to the end of residency. The end of high school, college, and med school were bittersweet occasions that marked the end of a confluence of friends, hard work, and fun. To me, the end of residency is like a sigh of relief at the end of a grueling marathon.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Simu-Date
It's been 2 weeks and counting since I told make-up/break-up to bugger off, and it's been 3 days since the "Great De-Friending." I have heard from make-up/break-up once via text message since the GDF. Randomly, he wanted to know when my sister's wedding was. I have now hired a team of bodyguards to accompany me to the event.
Just kidding.
In seriousness (mostly), it was a gorgeous spring day in the Central Time Zone. I spent all day operating, and as soon as I stepped out, I had a major bout of spring fever. All I wanted to do was sit outdoors and enjoy a nice glass of Riesling at a local wine bar.
So I called up my neighbor whom I haven't seen in ages--namely because I have become a hermit recently due to the make-up/break-up fiasco. My neighbor is an electrician, a few years younger than me, and has a body like Daniel Craig. Though we don't have a lot in common, we do enjoy having a drink every now and then, and he's just a super nice guy.
We went to the wine bar, I got all dolled up because, let's face it, I don't get out much. And usually the most creative part of my daily outfit is which pair of socks I'm going to wear with scrubs. He picked me up, and I almost felt like I was going on a date!
We had a good time...but it was weird for me. After being with make-up/break-up for nearly a year, and thinking that he was "The One," it was odd to think about being out with someone else, even on a not-date. It was also just kind of depressing to think about getting back on the merry-go-round. There was a time last year when I thought I had bought my last ride.
Regardless, new things always feel weird at first. Whether it's a new surgical instrument, a new place, an new person, even a new outlook. But eventually, I know I'll get over the weirdness and it'll just be...fun.
Just kidding.
In seriousness (mostly), it was a gorgeous spring day in the Central Time Zone. I spent all day operating, and as soon as I stepped out, I had a major bout of spring fever. All I wanted to do was sit outdoors and enjoy a nice glass of Riesling at a local wine bar.
So I called up my neighbor whom I haven't seen in ages--namely because I have become a hermit recently due to the make-up/break-up fiasco. My neighbor is an electrician, a few years younger than me, and has a body like Daniel Craig. Though we don't have a lot in common, we do enjoy having a drink every now and then, and he's just a super nice guy.
We went to the wine bar, I got all dolled up because, let's face it, I don't get out much. And usually the most creative part of my daily outfit is which pair of socks I'm going to wear with scrubs. He picked me up, and I almost felt like I was going on a date!
We had a good time...but it was weird for me. After being with make-up/break-up for nearly a year, and thinking that he was "The One," it was odd to think about being out with someone else, even on a not-date. It was also just kind of depressing to think about getting back on the merry-go-round. There was a time last year when I thought I had bought my last ride.
Regardless, new things always feel weird at first. Whether it's a new surgical instrument, a new place, an new person, even a new outlook. But eventually, I know I'll get over the weirdness and it'll just be...fun.
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