All the Single Ladies

Grad Stud #2 recently sent me an email and re-entered my life.  Not to worry ladies, Grad Stud #1 is completely out of the picture.

Grad Stud #2 and I have an amazing epistolary relationship.  We fire emails back and forth regarding our mutual disdain for the Republican debates, the lack of universal health coverage in our country, NPR...I could go on and on about the email courtship of two left-leaning individuals.

So what's the problem, right?  When I meet him in real life, there's just...nothing.  I'm not sure I feel attracted to him physically and the conversation is overly animated witty repartee on my side to make up for the lack of emotion and utter seriousness on his side.  I've tried to pass it off to nerves on his end...but you'd think that after three dates that maybe things would loosen up a bit.

Tonight I'm going to tell him that we should just be friends.

Aside from Grad Stud #2, there have been a couple other dates since the last post way back in August, but these were also lackluster.  I went out with one really weird dude who still sends me short little email snippets (i.e. "Hope things are well with you!").  I guess it's amusing.  The other guy...we just didn't mesh.

Honestly, though I occasionally have moments where I want to meet someone and do the whole "settling down" thing, I am more frequently terrified by that idea. 

I see the majority of my high school, college, and med school classmates on Facebook with their S.O.'s and pictures of children growing by leaps and bounds.  I feel like I'm supposed to want all of that. 

But instead, I really really love my job.  If I have learned anything in the last couple months, it's that I missed clinical medicine last year while I was on research.  I love being able to spend time on my job and not be pulled in a million directions.  I love having an active and drama-free social life.  I love being available to help out my family when they need it.  And most of all...I love having my freedom.  Some of my settled friends might call these feelings "delayed adulthood" brought on by extra years of training.  Another word I have heard is "selfishness."  Or maybe this is just the way I am built.

Though I may be single, I am not alone in my sentiments.  There are more and more single women out there who are single by choice or by the reality of a lack of suitable partners.  This article from The Atlantic ("All the Single Ladies") poignantly and eloquently states the case.  

One of my mentors told me that in order to be a good surgeon and researcher, I might have to find a path all my own and that my professional future may look different than I expect.  Perhaps the same is true for the personal futures of us single ladies.  Maybe the future of relationships isn't the nuclear family with 2.5 children.  Maybe we will create new realities, relationships, and families that are unique to each individual.

Busy Busy Busy Busy

My apologies, ladies.  I know it's been a long hiatus.  It ends now.  As a personal policy, I generally don't make excuses for disappearing off the face of the planet, but I figured the best way to get everyone caught up would be a list of excuses.  Here goes:

1. Grad Stud #1
2. Grad Stud #2
3. Hanging out with friends
4. Art historian
5. Research projects
6. Bartender
7. Research projects
8. Debaucherous annual meeting
9. Research projects
10a. Boyfriend (See item #1)
10b. Ex-Boyfriend (Again, see item #1)

Yep.  I think that sums up my spring and early summer quite nicely.

Amidst writing a grant proposal, getting nowhere fast on many research projects, and winding down the joy that was my unfettered research year, I went on a whole hell of a lot of dates. 

At one point, there were approximately four different men in my life (yes, two grad students, an art historian, and a bartender), but this situation became utterly unmanageable.  Have any of you tried to date multiple men at once?  It is exhausting.  It's like having a part time job on top of a full time job.

Luckily, it turned out that of all the men, there was one frontrunner: Grad Stud #1--the gentleman from a previous post.  We had the DTR* in mid-May and decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend (awwww...).

Alas, but the blissfulness only lasted a measly 6 weeks.  Grad Stud #1is trying to finish his thesis by next May.  And the regular schedule of research is ending for me.  He didn't have time for me, and he didn't want to be the third wheel in the relationship between me and Pager.  After all, Pager and I are literally joined at the hip. 

So, he ended it.

Career issues strike again!

Our relationship was so fleeting and the time we spent together so minimal due to his work, that it's not a huge deal to get back to the way that I have been for the past nearly 2 years--single and female and a surgeon.  I would venture to say that we hardly even knew each other really, and he didn't feel like we would have time to figure out whether we were compatible for the long haul.  He also was a little younger than me and he didn't want to "waste my time" because he thought I was worried about my biological clock.

I'm seriously getting angry just writing this.

Despite his fallacious beliefs, truly the burning question for me out of this relationship--and I'm sure for many others out there--is how can two professionals date?  With intense work schedules, career building, and busy social lives, how can we meet men and then how can we actually find time to get to know each other? 

I grapple with this question on a daily basis, but I think it comes down to the fact that two people have to have the maturity, foresight, flexibility, understanding, and time management skills to make the relationship a priority in their lives, just like every other pressing thing.  At least, that's what I've seen with my friends who are professional couples (and I'm not just talking about physician couples).

*Define the Relationship talk

Wisdom (?) From the Lion's Den

I've spent the last couple weeks processing a lot of things that have been going on in my life.

First, there is the work aspect.  I recently changed the entire focus of my research projects--for the better.  I think there is an entire separate post in this, so I'm going to save it for another day.  The gist of it lies in those words of wisdom from Einstein.  Something about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results.  There were no results.  It was time to move on, and I'm much happier for it.

Second, there is the life aspect.  As you all know, my love life has been on palliative care recently, and (I know you don't necessarily want to hear this) it has been surprisingly wonderful.  I've spent some quality time with myself, friends, and various new activities, and have realized that I actually love being single and independent when I take the pressure off myself to "find a man."

That being said, I did accept a date with The GamePlayer as I'll call him (thanks to my highly creative knitting group).  We met up at a hipster bar in a hipster part of town and after a few hipster cocktails, I started picking his brain about the dating trials of being a single female surgeon. 

I was a bit disappointed.  All The GamePlayer could come up with was: "Well, it's a good filter."

Okay, thanks Master of the Obvious. 

Or, is it so obvious?

I'm not convinced anymore that the surgeon thing is just a filter for men that are not worthy, because it seems that every man just passes through the filter and no one gets caught.  What if it's not a filter effect?  What if it's just that there are no men who have the balls to date high-achieving women?  Scary thought, but it's one that's becoming more pervasive.

Recently, someone sent me an article from The Wall Street Journal called "Where Have all the Good Men Gone?"  It's a snapshot from the introduction of an opus about this topic by Kay S. Hymowitz called Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys.  I'm in the process of reading the book, but as far as I am into it, the premise is that women are kicking men's butts in just about every arena--education, income, success, etc.  So, maybe there aren't any men left who are at the same level we are.  Again, scary thought.

Hymowitz also talks about how men are living in a state of "preadulthood."  Sort of a continuation of the college frat boy existence.  I'm not going to disagree with that, especially after seeing the apartments belonging to some of my previous dates.  However, is it possible that maybe women are also, just a little bit, living in a state of preadulthood, too?  We value our freedom and independence, drinks and mani/pedis with the girls--sure it looks a little prettier than the guys' version--but I think we've got a little in us as well.

So, what next?  How do we date in a preadult world?  Do we need men at all?  Are the traditional ideas of dating, love, and marriage altered?

No easy answers, minimal wisdom, but loads more questions.

Thoughts on Dating an Older Man

Despite thinking that age was a dealbreaker, I went out with the 46 year old again last week.  Honestly, I had planned to tell him that I just wanted to be friends, but after a wonderful three hour conversation at an adorable little wine bar, I wasn't sure that I was ready to relegate him to the friend zone.

I realized that I've never actually dated someone older than me.  Recently, it seems like I've dated a string of men who are younger than me--and you all know how that has gone.  Make-up/break-up (who is finally out of the picture and out of my heart, thankfully), Saxophone Guy, etc, etc.  It's the entirety of my past dating life because none of these guys ever wanted to commit, and they all had insecurities.

But now, I've met the guy who is ready to commit.

Older Guy doesn't appear to play games.  He is not scared by honest discussion about the potential issues involving our relative ages.  He has laid out his cards on the table--he wants to get married, he wants to have kids, he wants to have it all.  He is not scared of my work.  He has stated to me that he wants to be with someone who has a brain, and finds it attractive that I have one.  He doesn't have the insecurities or fears that guys in their thirties have.  Older Guy's career is stabilized, his location is stabilized, and he is ready to meet and be with his life partner.

But now, despite being handed the entire package, I'm acting like a guy in his early thirties.

Is it the age difference that's really bothering me or am I just being a coward?  Am I really ready to move into a relationship that has commitment written all over it?  Am I ready to be committed?  Or am I still just a player?

Perhaps the very fact that I'm asking these questions says that I'm not ready.  For the first time in my life, I'm in a location where there's loads of single people to meet.  I'm going on a lot of first dates, and (though I don't like to think of it that way) playing the field.  There is definitely a small part of me that thinks...maybe someone with the same characteristics, but more age-appropriate, will come along.

But honestly, isn't that what most men in their early thirties are thinking also?  It's interesting, when I brought this gentleman up with the Brain Trust, they were equally divided.  Half said to go for it and half started thinking of guys they could set me up with because they felt dating Older Guy was ludicrous.  One of the guys in the "go for it" group felt that I wasn't going to find what I was looking for (commitment) in men my own age.

Interestingly, my family was also divided.  My sister felt that it was perfectly fine (which surprised me), but noted that there were lots of people in relationships with wide age gaps.  Furthermore, she went on to name three or four couples she knew of.

In a world in which even The New York Times does a feature story about how our generation is "delaying adulthood," is it possible that I may need to be with someone chronologically older in order to find a psychological equal?

After a lot of self-reflection over the past few days, I think ultimately, I can't permanently be with someone who is nearly a generation older than me.  I'm still on the fence about the commitment issue.  I feel like when I meet the right person, I will want to commit to them.  The fact that I'm on the fence may also be a clue that this isn't the right person.

So, the first dates continue...

The arranged date is coming up this week--I'll report back.

Here's the Times article:
"What is it About Twenty Somethings?"  New York Times, August 18, 2010:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=adulthood%20twenties&st=cse

u r nutz

The other night, I thought I met someone nice, interesting, and well-adjusted.  We had a few beverages, talked, snuggled.  I thought it all went swimmingly.

Then, the next day, I got a text message from him:

u r nutz

Aside from the utterly annoying lack of grammatical decency, I was floored by the bluntness.  What on earth does this mean?  And why, oh why, would you ever say that to someone you barely know?

Then, I started to wonder if maybe he was right.  I looked over the blog posts from the past nine months, and the ridiculous cemetery of my past relationships and recent dates.  Why do men think I'm a project?  And why do they make these snap judgments?  Is this some new pick-up scheme?  The extreme "neg?"

I started to wonder if maybe there was something to this text message.  Maybe I am actually crazy, I don't have the insight to realize and fix it, and that's why I'm still single?  I started frantically Googling DSM criteria and diagnoses like a first year medical student.  Did any of the diagnoses fit me?  Oooh...maybe I have a personality disorder?  Borderline?  Narcissist?  Avoidant?  Or, rue on me, maybe antisocial?

After a little bit, I calmed myself down.  We all have issues, quirks, baggage--even this Nutz Guy.  Especially after the trauma that is nearly fifteen years of delayed gratification, schooling, and residency.  We also have our ups and downs.  We all have insecurities.  And even in a huge new city, in a profession in which we are constantly surrounded by people, we can still be lonely.

I let the text message get me down for (embarrassingly) several days.  Then, I decided to let it roll off my back.  I don't think I'm crazy, but a little self-exploration is a generally healthy thing.

But I won't be seeing Nutz Guy again.  Or maybe I'll reconsider, if he starts spelling out his words like a normal person.

Intimidating Jobs

What defines a job so intimidating that members of the opposite sex actually run away when you mention it?  Or, what defines a job that is so sexy that members of the opposite sex actually think you're more attractive because you have it?

Once, a couple years ago, I was out at a bar with several of my friends.  One of the (male) friends of my friend came up to me and started a conversation.  It soon became apparent (even to clueless me) that he was flirting.  He was cute and I was game, so I started flirting back.  Then...he started asking me questions about what I do:

Him: What do you do for a living?
Me: Er...I'm a doctor.

(Doh! Strike One)

Him: What kind of doctor?
Me: Er...I'm a surgeon.

(The look of fear on his face was priceless)

Him: What kind of surgeon?
Me: (Major hesitation here) I'm a urologist.

Him: I would be SO intimidated to go out with you. (He says as he turns and literally runs away)

The guy could not get away from me any faster, and I have had many subsequent experiences that are eerily similar.  I still have too much pride to say that I'm anything other than I am.  I worked damn hard to get here and my job is a good weed-out process.  After all, I would never want to be with someone that insecure.

The other night, after an evening of drinks with friends, I hopped into a subway station and started to head home.  I ran into a couple guys who thought I was following them in the subway tunnel, and we started chatting because I love random conversations.  Eventually, it turned out that they were just getting ready to go out and invited me to join them for a drink. 

I hesitated.

Random dudes, random subway, big city.  They seemed genuine and nice, but don't all axe murderers?  They implored, but I still hesitated.  So, I asked them what they do for a living to stall.  Then they hesitated.  They didn't want to tell me what they did for a living because they thought I would be intimidated by what they do! 

Well, this certainly struck a chord with me.  I eventually got them to tell me what they do--they were firefighters.  The guys were worried that I would only like them because they were firefighters, because what girl doesn't want to date a firefighter, right?

I went out for a drink with them, and had a blast (no pun intended).  The best part?  They were so unimpressed with what I do for a living.  I guess if you're jumping out of burning buildings every day, being a surgeon is just a tad bit drab.

Diet Violation

After months of planning and packing, I have finally made the move to Eastern Time Zone and am getting settled in the new surroundings.  The car is out, new going out clothes, heels, and some very creative storage solutions are in.  A new city, a new set of men to explore, and hopefully, a chance to find love.

I have a confession to make...

Against my better judgment, I violated the surgeon diet.  I met an interesting, handsome, charming single surgeon.  We spent all day together, laughed and talked endlessly, explored our new city, had a few drinks, and kissed.  Perhaps I was a little too smug--he certainly seemed normal and things were going swimmingly.

Then, as so many prior male surgeons who have been part of this SingleFemaleSurgeon's life, he freaked out.

As expected, his excuses were plentiful:
Career, time, awkwardness in our small surgical field, etc, etc, etc.

The guy wouldn't even touch me the next morning.  Wouldn't call/text back.  He completely became distant and...weird!

Do we need to define a new pathological state here?  I think so.  What should we define as the signs/symptoms of disease?

-Male
-Surgeon
-Single
-Fear of intimacy
-Inability to date normally
-Only able to hook up
-Unable to interact with females
-Immature

Sound familiar?  Let's call it the Single Male Surgeon Syndrome from here on.  Anyone else have any signs and symptoms to add?

Perhaps I'm being overly harsh.  Maybe I keep making the same mistakes over and over.  Perhaps it's time to accept the fact that male surgeons just aren't my type?

Regardless, this guy needs to be left to his own devices. He clearly is unavailable and I am not into chasing unavailable men.  There was a time in my life when I was into that, but now, I'm just too sleep-deprived to deal with all of the drama.

So adios, Freaked-Out Single Male Surgeon.  Thanks for reminding me why I'm on this diet.  You were like a dose of Antabuse.