A Tale of Two Philosophies

It has been a year since I have been in the clinical/surgical world, and perhaps understandably, I am having some anxiety about returning to it.

Yesterday, I had two interesting, yet contrasting conversations with two very different people.

The first conversation was with one of my male surgical colleagues.  He was imparting wisdom about my return to a very high pressure environment and told me that the only way I would survive is by putting on a "big personality" to compensate for my petite size and my femaleness.  Though he wasn't explicit in his characterization of a "big personality," I could easily glean what he was getting at.  Namely that I needed to act more like a male surgeon--be aggressive, speak loudly, and always be ready to tear someone's head off.  He said that unless I took on these attributes, I would be "steamrolled."

The other conversation was with one of my female non-surgical colleagues.  We were talking about how to succeed, well maybe more like survive, in medicine.  We both felt pressured to take on "big personalities" in our respective fields.  However, the crux of our discussion was that taking on "male" qualities, such as those listed above, essentially went against our true personalities. 

What would I say about my true personality?  I'm not aggressive, but I'm not passive.  I'm good at collaboration.  I like taking everyone's opinions into account--including non-MD personnel, and especially the patient.  I'm a great listener.  I like having a peaceful, humorous, respectful OR where everyone feels comfortable in pursuing the common goal of caring for a patient as best we can.  I'm good at choosing my battles and then fighting them in an honorable manner.  I like multi-tasking and being detail oriented. 

Many of my male colleagues like to proudly tell stories about how they yelled at a nurse or some other war stories.  I am proud of the fact that I can count on one hand the times that I have raised my voice in the hospital. 

Consistently throughout my training, I have been told that "female" qualities don't matter and they constitute weakness.  When I was a visiting medical student, an attending told me in a paper evaluation that I wasn't assertive or aggressive enough to be in surgery.  Maybe he was the one who lacked assertiveness because he couldn't tell me that to my face.

But I'd like to turn that around and say that my greatest strength is the fact that I've found success by staying true to my personality, and by finding partners in care instead of by making enemies.

Medicine is headed for a field change, and "customer service" is going to be a huge part of that, as evidenced by this New York Times article.

For you ladies in surgery or any other field of medicine, don't feel pressured to be something that you're not. 

Busy Busy Busy Busy

My apologies, ladies.  I know it's been a long hiatus.  It ends now.  As a personal policy, I generally don't make excuses for disappearing off the face of the planet, but I figured the best way to get everyone caught up would be a list of excuses.  Here goes:

1. Grad Stud #1
2. Grad Stud #2
3. Hanging out with friends
4. Art historian
5. Research projects
6. Bartender
7. Research projects
8. Debaucherous annual meeting
9. Research projects
10a. Boyfriend (See item #1)
10b. Ex-Boyfriend (Again, see item #1)

Yep.  I think that sums up my spring and early summer quite nicely.

Amidst writing a grant proposal, getting nowhere fast on many research projects, and winding down the joy that was my unfettered research year, I went on a whole hell of a lot of dates. 

At one point, there were approximately four different men in my life (yes, two grad students, an art historian, and a bartender), but this situation became utterly unmanageable.  Have any of you tried to date multiple men at once?  It is exhausting.  It's like having a part time job on top of a full time job.

Luckily, it turned out that of all the men, there was one frontrunner: Grad Stud #1--the gentleman from a previous post.  We had the DTR* in mid-May and decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend (awwww...).

Alas, but the blissfulness only lasted a measly 6 weeks.  Grad Stud #1is trying to finish his thesis by next May.  And the regular schedule of research is ending for me.  He didn't have time for me, and he didn't want to be the third wheel in the relationship between me and Pager.  After all, Pager and I are literally joined at the hip. 

So, he ended it.

Career issues strike again!

Our relationship was so fleeting and the time we spent together so minimal due to his work, that it's not a huge deal to get back to the way that I have been for the past nearly 2 years--single and female and a surgeon.  I would venture to say that we hardly even knew each other really, and he didn't feel like we would have time to figure out whether we were compatible for the long haul.  He also was a little younger than me and he didn't want to "waste my time" because he thought I was worried about my biological clock.

I'm seriously getting angry just writing this.

Despite his fallacious beliefs, truly the burning question for me out of this relationship--and I'm sure for many others out there--is how can two professionals date?  With intense work schedules, career building, and busy social lives, how can we meet men and then how can we actually find time to get to know each other? 

I grapple with this question on a daily basis, but I think it comes down to the fact that two people have to have the maturity, foresight, flexibility, understanding, and time management skills to make the relationship a priority in their lives, just like every other pressing thing.  At least, that's what I've seen with my friends who are professional couples (and I'm not just talking about physician couples).

*Define the Relationship talk

A Grave Disease

Tonight as I was riding the subway home after being out with friends, I had an odd experience.  As I was stepping onto the platform for my home stop, I noticed a homeless man with a sign which stated:

"Thyroid disease.  Please help." 

He was holding a plastic cup out for money.  He had severe exophthalmos--the characteristic stigmata of Grave's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that leads to overactivity of the thyroid gland.  It can be life threatening if not controlled due to a situation called "thyroid storm."  This is exactly what you'd think it is: such an overabundance of thyroid hormone that it revs up the entire body.

To anyone outside of medicine, this man's exophthalmos coupled with his poverty would probably be a source of fear or mockery.  I initially started walking away, remembering my personal policy to not give money to homeless people, and to give of my time and talent when I am done with my training.

But for some reason, I was drawn to this man. 

I found a dollar in my wallet, walked back to him, and put it in his plastic cup. 

He said thank you, and I almost turned and walked away again, but the physician in me stopped.

"Are you getting healthcare?  You have Grave's Disease, right?"

I was surprised by his eloquence.  He told me he went to the county hospital, that he was taking the medication methimazole.  I asked him how much it cost.  He said he was covered under Medicaid, but he was living on the street and he needed money for food and shelter.  He asked me if I was a doctor, how long I had been one, and that it was amazing.  He kept repeating that it was amazing. 

The poverty in this city is heartbreaking.  I wonder if the stigma of this man's physical appearance from a disease he can't control is the source of his poverty.  Call me a bleeding heart but with everything that's going on with the budget in Congress, how can we cut healthcare funding for people like him?

As I have been on research for the past eight months, at times I feel like a small part of my identity has wilted.  The part of me that is a physician first and foremost.  But tonight, this man reminded me why I am here and what I'm trying to do.  He's right, being a physician is something amazing. 

Palliative Care is Over, But What Next?

I recently met someone great.  I was on palliative care as usual, just minding my own business, working, socializing.  Doing the usual things that I do--the comfort measures.  I went to a house party thrown by a friend about a month ago, and I met him.  We'll call him Grad Stud.  We talked for nearly three hours.  We emailed back and forth for about a month, and then we went out.  Three times in one week.  They were the best dates I've been on in over a year.  I got nervous.  Nothing had been this good for so long.  I worried that I would screw something up.  And then I did.

Then, he told me he ran into his ex, and realized he wasn't over her.

I knew there had been a recent breakup, but based on how things were going, I was surprised.  I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"I'm not a rebound kind of girl."

Well, I'm not.

The date ended quickly after my statement.

I have to say, I've been a bit distraught after this.  I gotten a lot of advice from many people.  There have basically been two camps.   Camp #1: I screwed this up royally by not being empathetic and helping him through this as a cool girl would.  Camp #2: I made the right choice by not playing second fiddle to the ex.

My head is swimming with the amount of conflicting advice I've received from a myriad of people--both men and women--and I have no idea what to do.

This experience has made me realize that I don't want to spend the rest of my life on palliative care, and that there's a great guy out there that I may have screwed things up with.  A lot of the advice I've gotten is all about little games, but I don't want to go that route.  Some folks are masters, but I'm perhaps a bit too simple for it.  It always seems to blow up in my face.

No resolution yet.

Spiffy New Design for Springtime

For my regulars, you may have noticed a little spring cleaning here on sex.and.the.scalpel! 

As many of you know, I love spring and summer.  There is nothing better than casting off the down coat with furry hood, and donning a lighter coat and a lighter attitude.  To go with the warming weather and wardrobe change, I figured it was time to revamp the site.

I'd like to thank my creative and talented web ninja, Marion, for designing the site and making it more user friendly.  Marion is incredible and if you'd like to check out more of her great work or hire her (yes, this is a shameless plug for Marion's talents!), follow these links to her blog and Marion Hires a Boss site.

There's more revamping to come--including a fabulous new banner--so stay tuned!

Wisdom (?) From the Lion's Den

I've spent the last couple weeks processing a lot of things that have been going on in my life.

First, there is the work aspect.  I recently changed the entire focus of my research projects--for the better.  I think there is an entire separate post in this, so I'm going to save it for another day.  The gist of it lies in those words of wisdom from Einstein.  Something about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results.  There were no results.  It was time to move on, and I'm much happier for it.

Second, there is the life aspect.  As you all know, my love life has been on palliative care recently, and (I know you don't necessarily want to hear this) it has been surprisingly wonderful.  I've spent some quality time with myself, friends, and various new activities, and have realized that I actually love being single and independent when I take the pressure off myself to "find a man."

That being said, I did accept a date with The GamePlayer as I'll call him (thanks to my highly creative knitting group).  We met up at a hipster bar in a hipster part of town and after a few hipster cocktails, I started picking his brain about the dating trials of being a single female surgeon. 

I was a bit disappointed.  All The GamePlayer could come up with was: "Well, it's a good filter."

Okay, thanks Master of the Obvious. 

Or, is it so obvious?

I'm not convinced anymore that the surgeon thing is just a filter for men that are not worthy, because it seems that every man just passes through the filter and no one gets caught.  What if it's not a filter effect?  What if it's just that there are no men who have the balls to date high-achieving women?  Scary thought, but it's one that's becoming more pervasive.

Recently, someone sent me an article from The Wall Street Journal called "Where Have all the Good Men Gone?"  It's a snapshot from the introduction of an opus about this topic by Kay S. Hymowitz called Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys.  I'm in the process of reading the book, but as far as I am into it, the premise is that women are kicking men's butts in just about every arena--education, income, success, etc.  So, maybe there aren't any men left who are at the same level we are.  Again, scary thought.

Hymowitz also talks about how men are living in a state of "preadulthood."  Sort of a continuation of the college frat boy existence.  I'm not going to disagree with that, especially after seeing the apartments belonging to some of my previous dates.  However, is it possible that maybe women are also, just a little bit, living in a state of preadulthood, too?  We value our freedom and independence, drinks and mani/pedis with the girls--sure it looks a little prettier than the guys' version--but I think we've got a little in us as well.

So, what next?  How do we date in a preadult world?  Do we need men at all?  Are the traditional ideas of dating, love, and marriage altered?

No easy answers, minimal wisdom, but loads more questions.

Happy International Women's Day!

Today is the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day.  This commemoration was first started in 1911 in various countries in Europe in order to serve as a rally to end discrimination against women.  You can read more about the history of the women's movement and the start of International Women's Day at the official website.

I've been reading a lot of posts throughout the blogosphere about this day, and I want to draw your attention to a couple notable ones.

First, if you haven't read the book Half the Sky by the husband and wife journalist duo Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, please kindly get on it.  Add it to your Kindle, Nook, bedside table queue, whatever.  Heartbreaking, yet inspiring, the book tells the stories of women facing challenges head-on around the world.  Kristoff and WuDunn discuss poverty, health care, female genital mutilation, and child prostitution, in addition to other atrocities that are being dealt with under the leadership of many fearless women and even a few fearless men.  Check out the link to the Half the Sky movement website here, and to Nicholas Kristof's New York Times post for International Women's Day here.

Inspired?  Think about helping a woman out of poverty by sponsoring a small business through microfinance by giving to Kiva.

Half the Sky is required reading on the rather tangible plight of women's inequality around the world.  However, what about the more intangible inequalities faced by women here in the United States?

Ariana Huffington's post on International Women's Day spoke to me greatly.  Here's a link.  Though at first glance it may seem like we've fought for and won the same rights as men over the past one hundred years, the fact remains that we are still trying to figure out what our hard-earned women's liberation actually means.  Huffington describes the clash of being a woman with the masculine traits that appear to be required to succeed in our professions.  Sound familiar to anyone?  It sure does to me.

I know I've mentioned this before, but after you read these blog posts, give to Kiva, and read Half the Sky, consider...no...do find a mentor and then become a mentor to a woman yourself.  It's a tough world out there, and it helps to have a guide, or to be a guide.

I dedicate this post to an incredible woman who has mentored me since I moved to the Eastern Time Zone (heck, even before I moved), and who shows me every day how to traverse a difficult male-dominated landscape with grace, while still being true to herself.  Thank you.

Happy International Women's Day!