Make-Up/Break-Up is Officially De-Friended on Facebook

Well, as part of the "male surgeon diet," I have recently cut out the equivalent of a chocolate brownie volcano.  Yesterday, I de-friended make-up/break-up on Facebook. 

The age-old question as to whether we could still be friends has been answered. 

We can't.

Not even on Facebook.

For the past two weeks, I have been receiving phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages from make-up/break-up even though I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to ever hear from him again.  I was at a board review course last week (er..."bored" review course), and every time, just when I thought I had my mind on the boards and not on him...Ding!  My iPhone would deliver a text message or a voicemail or a Facebook message.  And it was the typical stuff, he's so hurt by my behavior, he misses me, etc, etc.  But as always, I screwed up, not him, and no apology has ever been forthcoming.

I finally had enough.  I looked into blocking his phone calls (which costs a hefty $4.99 per month on AT&T--but you can block calls and texts from up to twenty people...yikes that's a lot of hating on people!).  I even looked into changing my cell phone number which I've had for nearly ten years, so it would be a major P.I.A.

But then I realized, maybe if I just de-friend him on Facebook, he'll get the picture.  Or he'll go into a rage and kill me.  But, eh?  Either way, problem solved, right?

So I de-friended him.  And he in turn has officially blocked me.  It's kind of sad in some ways--on Facebook, when you want to de-friend someone, it asks you if you're sure you want to "end the connection."  I have to say I hesitated...for just a split second...it seemed so drastic when put into those terms.  But I haven't heard from him since, and I am in so many ways relieved to be out of ambush territory.

I'm so sick of this being so much of my life right now--I can't even imagine how sick of hearing about this you all are! 

So enough of this--chocolate brownie volcano is officially off the menu.  Eating it just made me feel gross anyways.

I'm Going on a Diet

Okay, so the last few blog posts have been rants on various topics in "single gal news."
Here's an update on what's been going on in my little world:

I can't seem to get make-up/break-up out of my life.  Despite multiple firm attempts telling him to leave me alone, I am still being accosted with texts and phone calls on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, I actually fell for one of his pleas a couple weeks ago ("I only want to be with you.  I'm sorry.").  And at first, well, for a couple days, he was attentive and trying to be good boyfriend material, but quickly, things went south. 

This culminated in me telling him that he either needed to make a commitment or he needed to keep to his side of the Rockies.  He fumbled and futzed and I never got a straight answer.  So I was very emphatic with him this time that he needed to just leave me the hell alone.  It's been three months since I officially dumped him!

This led to multiple calls and texts begging forgiveness--he knew not what he did.  Interestingly, he called for a couple days, now it's texts.  Hopefully soon it will be nothing.  Amazing how quickly he has given up even though he "only wants to be with me." 

I'm trying to be strong.  I'm not answering anything.  As much as I want to, I know this guy is Mr. Big.  Cool, but self-focused and truly unavailable.  I know that the same cycle will occur again, I will get hurt and frustrated.  Alter-ego "crying lump of girl" will come out again.  I know I can't trust him anymore.

The scary thing is...there was a time he really wasn't like this.  I truly think he went through some kind of intern year meltdown and it has forever changed the kind, sweet, affectionate man I knew into...well, a stereotypical male surgeon. 

I was talking with one of my fellow SFS's who has a friend who recently dated a surgeon, and she had a similar situation.  He was cold...in bed and out.  He seemed to care only about himself and was unable to be truly affectionate.  I have had similar experiences in dating other male surgeons--I couldn't even get one to have totally casual sex!

So, I've decided to go on a diet.  A male surgeon diet.  Male surgeons are officially off the menu for now.  No matter how tasty, how tempting, I'm going to go try some health food. 

Bad Relationships Cause Poor Wound Healing? Yikes!

I just devoured the following article from The New York Times: "Is Marriage Good for Your Health?"

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html

This article summarized research by (ironically) a husband and wife research team Ronald Glaser and Jan Kiecolt-Glaser at Ohio State University.  Their research examines the impact that marriage has on the immune system, heart disease, and wound healing.

This is powerful stuff. 

For years, we have believed that being single, never married leads to poor health in the long run.  Certainly, compared to married couples, prior research has proven this time and again.  However, newer research conducted by the Glasers suggests that couples in unhappy marriages have poorer health and weakened immune systems compared to couples who are happily married.

One of my favorite studies quoted in this article actually subjected the married research subjects to a physical wound, had them fight, and then quantified the time to physical wound healing.  I won't spoil the results, but they are immensely compelling.  Heck, as a surgeon, maybe this is something we should be looking at in our patients!

I found it especially interesting that how couples fight has the biggest impact on overall health.  In particular, fights that are conducted in a hostile, cold manner cause a bigger decline in immune function than fights that are conducted with at least some sign of affection (and perhaps the intention of making a relationship stronger through the disagreement).  Not too surprising, fights about control had a bigger health impact on men than on women.

What I took away from this article...the positive health effects of a happy marriage are real, but be cautious about who you marry.  The health impacts may be enormous.

And divorce?  Not necessarily a bad idea for those in crappy marriages, but the Glasers' research suggests that divorce may have irrecoverable health detriments that even a second marriage can't fix.  Yikes.  Again, be careful who you marry.

I am looking forward to reading the Glasers' upcoming book about the topic: For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.

When I look back on my past relationships, in particular, most recently with make-up/break-up, I feel relieved that I didn't enter into a commitment.  I realize that marriage is never smooth sailing and that there will be fights and conflicts that require compromise.  I think it's key to find someone who wants the best for the relationship, has affection, and won't fight dirty.

David Brooks: I am Infuriated!

Has anyone else read this recent column in the New York Times by David Brooks?

"The Sandra Bullock Trade"
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/30/opinion/30brooks.html?src=me&ref=homepage

Ladies--I encourage you to check this out and join in the furor.

The basic premise of this op-ed piece (in my interpretation anyways) is that there is no way to find both professional happiness and personal happiness--there is always a trade-off between one and the other.  The infuriating Mr. Brooks goes on to postulate that actually, being married is the only thing that matters in a person's overall happiness.

B.S.

I feel like Mr. Brooks has been sharing notes with my ex-boyfriend!  Like I said in my first blog post, why are female surgeons "unhappy?"  It's because, for some reason, there is a sense in the general public that professional and personal success are mutually exclusive, at least for women.  That women who have professional ambitions, and are achieving them, will never be able to enjoy the same success in their personal lives.

Where I think Mr. Brooks is wrong is that ultimately, most people, men and women alike, are looking for a balance between meaningful, rewarding work and a stable, fulfilling home life.  It's not really an either/or choice.

I applaud Sandra Bullock for her Academy Award, and the premise that her work "drove away" her husband is ridiculous.  I sure as heck would rather be single and successful than be with someone who breaks me down.  Now that I have had some time and distance, I can finally see that in my own life.

Sandra's lying, cheating ex is such an idiot.  He can't be with a beautiful, smart, talented woman, and she obviously deserves better.

As all of us beautiful, smart, talented women do...we're here for you Sandra.

What Kind of Man Should a Female Surgeon Be With?

Today I was in the operating room with one of my favorite attendings.  It seems we always chat about various life issues in the OR--probably because he has an interesting clientele of patients that bring up various...well, reproductive issues.

So, somehow, the topic of my singledom came up.  (Full disclosure...make-up/break-up was a rotating student in our department when I met him and everyone knew who he was.)  We discussed how things didn't work out with make-up/break-up, essentially because he thought I was too career-minded and wouldn't settle down.

Vehemently, my attending stated, "You need to be with a non-physician."

He felt that as I'm choosing an academic career path, I need to be with a guy who would be okay with gallivanting off to meetings, willing to stay home with the kids, and basically function as a house husband.  Being with another physician, he believed, would just lead to too many time and marital issues relating to sharing of responsibilities.

Hmmm...my live-in ex-fiance was a writer.  Not a very successful writer.  He had a lot of time on his hands while he was "creating."  What he was creating is unknown to me, because I think it was all in his head.  Nary a manuscript crossed my path.  However, despite his abundance of time at home, I still was in charge of the household.  Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bills.  Then add medical school to the mix.

Needless to say, resentment started building.  Things didn't work out between us for many reasons, but his lack of proactivity was definitely one of them.  I don't mind the idea of being with a non-physician, but let's face it...physicians are generally motivated, proactive, and get stuff done.  I don't care about the profession, I care about a partnership and sharing in the responsibilities.

Ultimately, part of the fun of being single again is that I have no idea what sort of person will cross my path each day.  I don't know what kind of profession the ultimate guy is going to be part of.  There are many things I don't know about this mystery person, but one thing I do know is that they will have to be proactive, somewhat adventurous, love to travel, and be a bit on the crazy side.

P.S. If there are any guys out there who meet that description, and live in the Eastern Time Zone, feel free to shoot me a message!  ;)

The First Day of Spring

Yesterday, I woke up and realized that I didn't miss make-up/break-up anymore. 

Do you remember that great episode of My So-Called Life when Claire Danes' character, Angela, is totally over her crush, Jordan Catalano (played by the hunky Jared Leto), and she dances like a free, mad woman to the Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun?"

Yeah.  That's how I felt when I woke up yesterday.  I have basically been feeling sorry for myself for the past two months (aargh, has it really been that long??)...but then, this week, I just got sick of being pathetic.  Was it coincidence that yesterday was the first day of spring?  The equinox?  A day on which light and dark are equal, and then, ever so slowly, the light starts to take over?

Okay, I'm so not that kind of breezy, new-age gal.  But somehow, spring has bloomed in my mind.  I suddenly started to feel excited about all of the things in my life that I should have been excited about for the past few months--finishing residency, moving to an exciting city in the Eastern Time Zone, my brilliant sister's impending nuptials, a coming trip...even my fellowship research project that is currently budding.

Though it was actually snowing here on the first day of spring, somewhere in my heart and mind, there were daffodils.  For the past two months, it felt like this day would never come, but it's amazing what the tincture of time has done for my broken heart.  With each day since the break-up, I have for once truly put time and thought into healing.  With each day, I have quietly, without even knowing it, become a little bit stronger.

Now, do I feel like I could grow another relationship yet?  Not so much.  But like a spring tulip, there's always the chance of rebirth.

The Doctor's Wife

Last Friday, I went out to dinner with one of the former chief residents and his wife.  They were back in town visiting some friends.  We herded up a few current residents and went to our favorite local fancy, not too fancy, restaurant.  He and his wife brought a couple bottles of wine, and a few glasses in, began to regale us with stories of the fabulous life in private practice...namely, all of the wonderful things that his wife had bought now that she had money to spend.

I have always been fascinated by this woman.  They were high school sweethearts, got married shortly before or during medical school.  Then they moved here to the Central Time Zone and started having kids.  Three of them--one during med school and then 2 during residency.  She quit her job as a dietitian when he started residency, and became a stay-at-home mom. 

She is working hard, raising the three kids while her husband is at work all day.  They bought the biggest house in their town and she recently purchased a $4000 washer/dryer set.  All though dinner, my former chief resident picked (in a joking way) at her spending habits, now that he was making the big bucks.

I recently started watching Mad Men, a great 1960's drama on AMC, and have become fascinated by the idea of the "housewife."  Seeing the chief and his wife together on Friday reminded me of this.  The 1960's housewife who cooks, entertains, always hair coiffed and nails done, and takes care of the kids.

I am fascinated because I know I could never be a housewife.  I don't understand the appeal and I feel like it's an unequal partnership in this day and age.  I like making my own money and having my own say about what happens to it.  I sure wouldn't spend $4000 on a washing machine, even when I'm an attending!  I don't think I could enjoy spending someone else's money either.

And perhaps it's the same independent streak that got me into surgery in the first place, but I don't think I could rely on someone to be the sole breadwinner either. 

It is an existence that is utterly opposite my own. 

There is a downside though.  Are educated men more interested in being with women who embrace this kind of lifestyle?

The make-up/break-up thought that I would always put my career ahead of family, and that I wouldn't want children, or that I wouldn't have time to have them because I would always be building my career.  It was one of the many reasons we broke up--he didn't think I would ever "settle down."  I think it is a common misconception that women who are ambitious in their career aren't ambitious in their personal lives as well.